Moldonia - section 6

Shopping Opportunities

For bargains, there is no better place for shopping than Moldonia.

• The tailors in Herpes Labialis Street just off the main square of Wisteria will be able to run you up a cassock in a little over 30 minutes.
• The traditional sackcloth, woven all over the country, is excellent for winter mornings back home. Around Lake Pimple are to be found many weavers working in their Burps designing and producing wonderful examples of the cloth in countless shades of turquoise. This is the best place to make these purchases – Wisteria prices tend to be around 70% higher.
• Blister Mall just off the main square in Wisteria is a good place to buy souvenirs. The cabbage leaf sculptures in particular are worth a mention, though it may be difficult getting them back through customs.

Festivals and events?

There is Davian festival held somewhere in Moldonia every day of the year. The main ones are listed below:

• 12th November – Blonde Day. Because there are no blondes in Moldonia, the population of Wisteria parade through the streets on this day every year, wearing blonde wigs.
• 28th July – Sackcloth Day. Celebrated all over the country, this is a great day to be in Moldonia. The folk singing has to be heard to be believed.
• 14th May – Davian Day. The biggest day of the year in the Davian calendar. This is the day when the monks, dressed entirely in cabbage leaves, assemble in the centre of towns and villages all over the country. Monks in Moldonia are chosen for their plaintiff singing voices and ability to dance the intricate Lowland Flung', the traditional dance of the country. Davian Day is an opportunity for the entire population to observe the dancing and listen to the folk singing. Not to be missed.

Culture and language?

• 99.9% of Moldonians are Davians.
• When entering a temple it is important to put your shoes on
• Never accept anything with your right hand - it is considered most disrespectful.
• It's a good idea to take a large selection of cigarette lighters with you when visiting the country – most Moulds smoke local tobacco but cannot afford anything to light the cigarettes with so lighters will be much appreciated.
• The language of Moldonia is Mould – an incomprehensible collection of guttural sounds comprising 600 different letters. Fortunately, everyone speaks English
• It is considered most disrespectful not to hold hands when walking with a friend/partner/spouse. In fact, if you are with anyone, grab their hand to avoid being stared at by the locals.

Money matters?

The local currently in Moldonia is the Mould ()

 100,000 = AU$2; GBP0.50; USD0.75. Moulds cannot be purchased outside the country, there are no ATM machines, and no credit cards are accepted. This does not make for an easy time but remember that the country is so cheap you could probably survive on MOL 100,000 per day. Any currency is accepted country wide.

Tipping

Finding your way around the tipping practices of Moldonia can be a bit of a minefield. For example, it is customary for diners to purchase a set of cotton sheets for the waiter who serves them in a restaurant. This is often waived for tourists, however it is advisable to check if this is the case before ordering your meal.

Taxi drivers expect a bottle of shampoo per 10 kms travelled – anything over 10kms it is wise to agree a tip before you embark on the journey, to avoid being thrown out in the middle of nowhere with nothing but a rotten bottle of shampoo and the clothes you stand up in.

Good advice is to take plenty small bottles of shampoo with you and to hope for the best.

Health?

Tap water should not be drunk – its source is questionable. Bottled water is widely available.

No vaccinations are currently required but remember to take plenty of tropical strength insect repellent for the mozzies, sand flies and midges.

Activity

Food and Drink?

One of the joys of eating in Moldonia is to visit one of the two cafes in the country, sit outside on the pavement next to a dusty, unmade road and watch the odd bustard stroll by. Whilst you feast on the culinary delights of 'Nouvelle Moldonia' cuisine, soak up the atmosphere and sounds of absolutely nothing and contemplate how to fill up the next 5 days of your holiday.

Nouvelle Moldonia cuisine focuses on the cabbage. In fact, cabbage is the major staple of the Moldonian diet. Visitors might imagine that this results in a somewhat unenthralling experience, however tourists invariably return from their holiday talking about the 115,000 different cabbages dishes on offer.

The local drink, Blistovich, distilled from herring, is interesting.

Beer is imported from The Republic of the Congo and is probably the best option.

Expect to spend around MOL50,000 per day on food (AU$1).

Welfare and Safety?

At the time of going to press, there have been reports of lowland uprisings in the mountainous north of the country. Terrorist insurgents have been known to enter remote villages late at night and paint the outside of the burps sickening shades of vermillion and lime. This has resulted in several visiting property developers being hospitalised with shock, as they contemplate the subsequent drop in property values as a consequence of the vandalism. DFAT is currently recommending that any property developers planning trips to the area to buy up homes for a song, should delay travel until the position becomes more clear.

Activity

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